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ozyda

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It feels like sometime around June or July I just got depressed. I don't know what, specifically caused it.

Well, actually I do. I had to give up my dog, Candy. Or at least I felt I had to. I'm still not sure. I keep revisiting that decision. I keep telling myself I made the best decision I could with the information available to me, but I don't think that's really the truth. I think I just made the easy decision. I didn't look for help. I didn't try to salvage the situation. One day I was just decided I couldn't take care of Candy anymore.

The decision came about because I was having trouble with finances, which isn't surprising. Until I think it was April I was paying over $1000/mo. in student loans. Even before I went into repayment I wasn't managing my money very well. When I moved to Seattle, I had nearly $7000 in the bank. I hit less than $100 in April. Simply put, I was being stupid with my money. I was impulsive and spent without realizing where anything was going.

I'm finally learning that skill: impulse control. I don't have it down quite yet, but I'm learning.

Anyway, I gave Candy up, which I feel I did on impulse. I had reasons, but when it comes down to it, I gave her up on a whim. I had my justifications, but ultimately I don't think it was worth it. I regret that decision.

I need to be more careful with my decisions. Even now I continue to do things on impulse, without a clear idea of what I really want. I need to establish my values and set some real goals. I need to be true to myself and let everything flow from that.

I got depressed when I made an impulsive decision that did not line up with my vision of myself. Now, several months later, I'm trying to dig myself out of a stupor. I've got to define who I am again and rediscover my passion.
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